I Yield!

This morning as usual, I awoke before the sunrise. I couldn’t get up, as I took a few moments to recall the dream that I’d awaken from. I remember a building needed to be demolished but there was a young tiger stuck with his head caught between the decorative blocks in the concrete fence bordering the property. I argued that the building could not be torn down without first rescuing this tiger. How did he get there? Where were the owners of this building? I squatted on the ground next to the tiger and caressed him to offer him comfort. Initially he growled and willed me to go away. But I sat and remained steadfast until I felt his body relax and give into the soothing caresses. The tiger now purred the way a domestic cat does when he has found the perfect resting position. Why am I dreaming of tigers?

I lay awake, quiet and still for a few minutes more listening for the birds to usher in the day. I say a prayer. “Lord, thank you for a day I’ve never seen. Thank you for the renewing of my mind and for your covering.” This is my daily prayer; these few words power me throughout the day. I shower and dress without the television news in the background. Although the morning news is typically the first backdrop to my day, it can sometimes be too daunting and cumbersome to carry.

I usually set up the tools for Larry’s personal caretaking for the support aid that assists him, but this morning I was compelled to do it myself. It’s extremely early for him and he is still in the fog of sleep as I gently remove his sleep mask and begin to wash his face with a scented warm cloth. He opens his eyes and closes them when he realizes it’s me. I explain that I will be leaving for work soon but it’s going to be a beautiful day and I wanted to make sure he was ready and comfortable. Larry rolls on his back and his entire body relaxes as I massage him, body and feet with lotion. He does his part of dressing himself with the prompts that I give. He smells good and he feels good as I engulf him in our morning hug. Today, I needed the full body lean-in that he offers; I think he knew. Larry settles back down on his pillows in response to whether or not he is ready for breakfast; it’s too early, he is not, it’s only 7:30! I continue to tackle most of the morning tasks that his caregiver usually manages. Oddly, my spirit sensed that the day would not go as planned and these tasks would be mine.

At 8:12, my caregiver has not arrived for her 8:00 shift, it’s only her second day! I call her and then the agency to inquire. She doesn’t respond and they are as baffled as I am. At 8:45 I realize that relief is not coming. I don’t get angry anymore, it’s useless. I run the previous days’ events in my mind. Was Larry more of a challenge? Did I lower the expectation too low? Usually I give a laundry list of instructions to the new person. That last couple of months, I have changed this practice for a few reasons. First, it’s a lot of information to hear out loud when it’s already written down, no need to be redundant. Second, there is no better teacher than experience. I find that trial and a few errors makes the process less stressful for everyone. And finally, I save myself wasted time and energy because, as today has proven, the staff turnover is alarmingly quick; here today, gone tomorrow. This challenges me on so many fronts. I’m embarrassed that I have to call out of work for the third time in two weeks! In my previous work history, I have gone more than a year without calling out or needing special accommodations. Being reliable and consistent is very important to me and is ingrained into my mantra of service. Having to rely on the work ethic of others has seemingly begun to dismantle a code that I have worked diligently to build and maintain.

I cried. I sat at the table and I cried. I cried because my spirit is tired. I cried because my beloved is often at the mercy of those that do not understand the value of their presence, therefore cannot fathom what the clients experience when they suddenly don’t show up. I cried because this is getting harder and harder. I cried because I love and need my job. I like to show up and do what I’m paid to do; I don’t understand the mindset of those who don’t. I cried because Larry had another stroke nearly 3 weeks ago and although I knew he was “off,” I’d missed it! I’m usually really good at making the call of whether or not we go to the ER, and I missed it. I felt like I’d failed him. It could have been really bad and I made the wrong choice. I only found out this week when I inquired about test results that I hadn’t received. I hadn’t gotten them because the doctor assumed that Larry was “still in the hospital!” (That’s an entirely different story).

I texted my friend and told her that I’d had to call out of work and that I felt frustrated and annoyed. She responded by calling me. She said she could tell that my cup was spilling over. I didn’t know I needed to talk until she called. I love and thank God for her placement in my life. She covered me in prayer and offered the consoling that I needed. In the midst of our conversation, I realized that God was speaking to me. When a shift is needed or an elevation is at hand, things suddenly become uncomfortable, sometimes unbearable. I’ve known that changes in my life are needed in order for my calling to be fulfilled but I have matched each order with a counter excuse not to move. It’s so easy to become complacent or to allow our excuses to govern versus what we know we should do. This revelation also confirms a conversation I had with my brother less than 24 hours ago. I am the tiger caught in a wall of decorative concrete. The wall gives the appearance of beauty and security but it is really the trap that has allowed me to become complacent in a lifestyle that no longer serves my purpose. No one is coming to caress or soothe me. I must feel the discomfort as I allow myself to be pruned and repositioned by God. I yield.