The Inevitable

I had forgotten about the scheduled call although it was on my calendar. I’d reluctantly agreed to officially create the document needed to detail a health care directive for Larry.

Does he trust me to make medical decisions for him? Would he prefer to stay at home versus a facility should he become more physically or cognitively incapacitated? Would he accept a feeding tube long term? Would he opt for a ventilator and/or CPR to preserve his life in a Vegetive state? Should life saving measures be used in the event of a sudden loss of vital signs? Would comfort care or hospice be considered if I could no longer physically or emotionally care for him? So many questions that I have intentionally avoided. I answered as matter-of-factly as I could. The inevitables.

It has gotten more difficult to convince him that he actually likes the shower and that it doesn’t hurt. The water temperature is that you would bathe a newborn. He stood there, completely vulnerable while I lathered, massaged, and rinsed. I held one hand over his eyes as his hair curled from the conditioner. I toweled him dry, careful to keep the bathroom door closed to trap the warmth and humidity; Larry shivers with coldness at the slightest breeze. Meanwhile, my menopausal hot flashes show no mercy; I am drenched! I sing to him as I rub him gently with baby oil. I apply a pleasantly scented whipped Shea butter to aid his sleep. He barely helps to get his nightshirt on before he drifts off to sleep.

I think about this ritual and so many others that I perform automatically for his comfort. I limit the intimate care he gets from his homecare workers to maintain as much of his dignity as possible. Yes, they get paid to do it but they are not trained to care or to provide without frustration or impatience. He would feel it and I would notice.

The thought of leaving him in the complete care of someone else breaks me. Whether he is lucid or not, because of our connection. I would feel his anguish and embarrassment. In reality, the conversation was extremely difficult but inevitable. I remain hopeful in my belief that Larry could be the miracle that God uses to inspire someone else to keep fighting. Over the years there have been a few people besides myself, that have had vivid dreams of Larry’s miraculous recovery. Larry has defied odds in the past so perhaps his complete healing is the inevitable!